A friend in need is a friend indeed

Some people have characterized me as an introvert. This characterization is not unfounded since I tend to isolate. As some may have noted about my previous post, I appear to be making a big deal about this situation with my new friend. She made a statement that suggests more of a desire for friendship than for a relationship. But I couldn't tell which. That is a question for her the next time I talk with her.

To one who has a wide range of choices, such a situation is not really a big deal since that kind of person would move on. To one who tends to isolate, the previous post speaks of the dependence one can create on a stranger. Every opportunity lost seems huge. Any time spent with someone *has* to pay off with a relationship.

That is what social and sexual anorexia looks like. After years of doing nothing, doing nothing and doing nothing, the stakes are huge. To a social anorexic, it's a love hate thing, literally. We want the contact and the closeness, but we fear it because deep down inside, we believe that we are unlovable.

Over the last several months, I have postulated that the only way out is for friendship. Let me explain...

A relationship between two people with no outside friends or communication is a closed system. It happens quite frequently here in America and it's heavily promoted. Closed systems create huge avenues for abuse of self and others since the abuse remains hidden. This also generates revenue for companies that support addictions, from alchohol to pornography. What is repressed becomes obssessed, and eventually expressed through acting out.

A person intent on creating an imtimate, committed relationship without a support network of a circle of friends will become so dependent on the other, he/she will do anything to maintain that relationship. And when they are not getting their needs met, they will be compromised, unable to express their real needs for fear of losing the relationship. For that is all they have. And when they can't meet their real needs, they cope with that loss through addiction.

Everyone has a need for validation. We get that need met through social interaction, usually with friends. When we are with friends, we can be as we are with no hidden agendas for sex, romance or physical intimacy. We are free to come and go as we please as long as the rules in the friendship are explicit. Take away the transparency, throw in some dominance and control, and the chances for intimacy in friendship fade.

Friendship fills that most basic need: socialization. It is through socialization that we can even begin to prepare for a committed relationship beyond friendship. Through a circle of friends, we can test our world without fear of being judged because our friends know we're bouncing our ideas and thoughts off them. They want to explore the range of human thought with us, too.

I have theorized that to the extent we are avaiable to our circle of friends, the more we look as if we are available for a committed relationship and the more we see people who are available. Our consciousness can embrace the vision of a close, committed relationship. Without that support network, our fears would block out those who are available from our vision. For me, the most frightening situation is to be in a closed system relationship completely dependent upon my mate for all my social needs. That is way too much power for anyone.

It is also a huge burden that many people wish to avoid since they would prefer to get their own needs met. There are some who gladly take it up on the notion that they could have more control over their mate, a grandiose notion if you ask me. Healthy people will avoid that kind of power because they know that essentially, they are becoming a caregiver for an adult who has not grown up inside. They know that with power comes responsibility and that kind of power is dangerous. And they don't want anyone to be that dependent on them.

So an anorexic who is single but has no circle of friends will not look *available* to anyone. His/her fear has repressed the social needs and the anorexic looks needless to prevent anyone from getting close. it's as if they are wearing two shirts. One shirt says "love me because I need love too." And on top of that one, they were another shirt that says "I"m not available."

I've noticed from personal experience that the quality of people I'm attracted to has increased over time as I make time for my friends and family. I can't say that there is a strong correlation, but there is enough going on to show a trend. The more time I spend with my friends, the more available I appear to others.

And so it is that I will be spending more time with my friends. Not with the single purpose of making myself available for a committed relationship with the opposite sex, but with the aim of satisfying a very real need: socialization.

If a committed relationship comes out of the experience, then so be it. Creating something so beautiful is far beyond my control and best left in the hands of a higher power. I will simply have to have faith that it will all work out.

For in the end, faith is all we have.

Mr. Scott

Dating and Altruism

Recently, I met someone I really liked. I have a strong mental and physical attraction to her. When we met, we really hit it off and it seemed that romance was in the air. Last night, we exchanged emails instead of talking on the phone because she was sick. The emails were going good until I ran across this line:

I have faith that you will find a good woman who appreciates your qualities someday.

So I find these vexing questions in my mind. Has she already decided that I will never be more than a friend? Or has she figured that I would never select her as a mate?

When women decide that a man will never be more than a friend, they face what must be a very difficult circumstance, no doubt. They have to tell someone they like a lot, that there is nothing but great conversation ahead.

On the other hand, I know from my own experience, that my own sexuality has been repressed to the point that women often presume that I just want to be friends when at times, nothing could be further from the truth. Often, I've seen how women can interpret this part of my character as rejection. In reality, this is my expression of fear of intimacy.

So back to my new friend and her statement. How should I interpret this? And how do I raise the question without being labeled as the bad guy? I prefer to be explicit in my terms. Yet at the same time, I could be accused of wanting a guarantee of a relationship when really, I just want to know if I have a chance. I'm a loner, I'm getting older and I need to do the footwork to increase my odds. And hanging around with women who aren't interested benefits no one, unless friendship is all that I want. And there have been cases where I think "yep, she's very nice, but there is no way I could see myself as mate with her."

Sure enough, when I reviewed her profile again on the dating website where she found me, she says she is looking for penpals nothing more. Yet our first meeting smacks of romance. We had a great time and shared mutual interests, small personal successes and failures, and some hopes and dreams.

I've seen this before and the term "surrogate spouse" comes to mind. For those less informed, a surrogate spouse is someone who gets all the benefits of a relationship without sex. Not that sex is all I ever wanted, all people need physical contact, it is in our genes as a requirement. Even surrogate spouses get romance, but it never leads anywhere. It is implied, hanging in the air like some fog from another world, obscuring one's real intent from the other and from themselves.

From all appearances, it looks like a relationship. People who see us together see us as "an item", yet the reality is that we will never be more than friends (usually in her mind, usually without telling me). I've actually had a co-worker with whom I had a purely platonic relationship with, and several visitors commented that they could swear that we were married based on the arguments we had. I knew it was platonic because I raised the question several times to be sure. Once I was sure, I let it go.

So lets say I pop the question: do you see me as a friend or a date? The potential outcomes are limitless. The number of diversions from the real answer could be greater. Yet ultimately, it's about "saving face" or "I didn't want to hurt your feelings." If it's about *my* feelings, then I have to disagree. Women, being the compassionate souls that they can be, would rather not face the pain of the recipient as they make their intentions known. They'd rather just let the question fade. "I won't return his calls." "I'll just be friendly and hope that I can keep him as a friend until he finds someone he really likes." That works great until you find someone *you* really like first. Haha. (I know, I have issues to work out here.)

Sure. Don't return my calls. So while you're feeling better about yourself because you haven't hurt my feelings by not returning my calls, I've been thinking about you for three days, maybe a week.

"Let's just be friends without telling him. Maybe he'll get it without me ever having to face the pain of seeing the expression on his face if I told him that what he wants lies elsewhere." If we never broach the subject, I will have spent days, weeks, maybe even months wondering if it will ever be.

On the other hand, if she is embarrassed to express her attraction to me as a potential mate, our silence could be equally damaging. Hopes and dreams unexpressed can lead to the greatest sorrow due to misinterpretation. If she never tells me how she really feels about me, that she would hope that I would stick with her, ultimately through marriage and beyond, then I, being a repressed soul, would miss that hint and interpret her actions as rejection, too.

So I've seen the results from both sides, not knowing how to solve the problem. This, my friend, is a problem for the higher power. My only hope at this point is to set aside any presumptions, all resentments and fears that I might have about such a situation and pray for an answer. If I have resentment about being a surrogate spouse, then I have to take action to avoid that situation and make the terms explicit by asking for what I want and leaving if that is not going to happen. There is actually a fear that I might get what I want with all the committments and attachments that could bring, so there is something I could gain by my own silence, too.

The hardest part in all of this is the uncertainty. But uncertainty is what puts the joy into our successes. For if certainty was all there ever was, then life would be a bore.

So why would a woman want me as a surrogate spouse? Convenience? Because I let it happen? And how do I say "Thanks, but I have plenty of friends" without looking like the bad guy? Often this is because they want male attention without the intimacy or committment that involves. This too, is an expression of the fear of intimacy. For once a relationship becomes sexual, the stakes are much higher and we really have to be brave and say what we really want or suffer the consequences of silence.

It is not just me for two people dance together. I see that from this situation, I will have to take my own action, to change myself without fear of her reaction, and without the need to control her response. Perhaps that is the lesson I need to learn here: ask for what you want and let the response be enough.

So I ask for gods will and the power to carry that out. Whatever the outcome may be.


Mr. Scott