A friend in need is a friend indeed
Some people have characterized me as an introvert. This characterization is not unfounded since I tend to isolate. As some may have noted about my previous post, I appear to be making a big deal about this situation with my new friend. She made a statement that suggests more of a desire for friendship than for a relationship. But I couldn't tell which. That is a question for her the next time I talk with her.
To one who has a wide range of choices, such a situation is not really a big deal since that kind of person would move on. To one who tends to isolate, the previous post speaks of the dependence one can create on a stranger. Every opportunity lost seems huge. Any time spent with someone *has* to pay off with a relationship.
That is what social and sexual anorexia looks like. After years of doing nothing, doing nothing and doing nothing, the stakes are huge. To a social anorexic, it's a love hate thing, literally. We want the contact and the closeness, but we fear it because deep down inside, we believe that we are unlovable.
Over the last several months, I have postulated that the only way out is for friendship. Let me explain...
A relationship between two people with no outside friends or communication is a closed system. It happens quite frequently here in America and it's heavily promoted. Closed systems create huge avenues for abuse of self and others since the abuse remains hidden. This also generates revenue for companies that support addictions, from alchohol to pornography. What is repressed becomes obssessed, and eventually expressed through acting out.
A person intent on creating an imtimate, committed relationship without a support network of a circle of friends will become so dependent on the other, he/she will do anything to maintain that relationship. And when they are not getting their needs met, they will be compromised, unable to express their real needs for fear of losing the relationship. For that is all they have. And when they can't meet their real needs, they cope with that loss through addiction.
Everyone has a need for validation. We get that need met through social interaction, usually with friends. When we are with friends, we can be as we are with no hidden agendas for sex, romance or physical intimacy. We are free to come and go as we please as long as the rules in the friendship are explicit. Take away the transparency, throw in some dominance and control, and the chances for intimacy in friendship fade.
Friendship fills that most basic need: socialization. It is through socialization that we can even begin to prepare for a committed relationship beyond friendship. Through a circle of friends, we can test our world without fear of being judged because our friends know we're bouncing our ideas and thoughts off them. They want to explore the range of human thought with us, too.
I have theorized that to the extent we are avaiable to our circle of friends, the more we look as if we are available for a committed relationship and the more we see people who are available. Our consciousness can embrace the vision of a close, committed relationship. Without that support network, our fears would block out those who are available from our vision. For me, the most frightening situation is to be in a closed system relationship completely dependent upon my mate for all my social needs. That is way too much power for anyone.
It is also a huge burden that many people wish to avoid since they would prefer to get their own needs met. There are some who gladly take it up on the notion that they could have more control over their mate, a grandiose notion if you ask me. Healthy people will avoid that kind of power because they know that essentially, they are becoming a caregiver for an adult who has not grown up inside. They know that with power comes responsibility and that kind of power is dangerous. And they don't want anyone to be that dependent on them.
So an anorexic who is single but has no circle of friends will not look *available* to anyone. His/her fear has repressed the social needs and the anorexic looks needless to prevent anyone from getting close. it's as if they are wearing two shirts. One shirt says "love me because I need love too." And on top of that one, they were another shirt that says "I"m not available."
I've noticed from personal experience that the quality of people I'm attracted to has increased over time as I make time for my friends and family. I can't say that there is a strong correlation, but there is enough going on to show a trend. The more time I spend with my friends, the more available I appear to others.
And so it is that I will be spending more time with my friends. Not with the single purpose of making myself available for a committed relationship with the opposite sex, but with the aim of satisfying a very real need: socialization.
If a committed relationship comes out of the experience, then so be it. Creating something so beautiful is far beyond my control and best left in the hands of a higher power. I will simply have to have faith that it will all work out.
For in the end, faith is all we have.
Mr. Scott
To one who has a wide range of choices, such a situation is not really a big deal since that kind of person would move on. To one who tends to isolate, the previous post speaks of the dependence one can create on a stranger. Every opportunity lost seems huge. Any time spent with someone *has* to pay off with a relationship.
That is what social and sexual anorexia looks like. After years of doing nothing, doing nothing and doing nothing, the stakes are huge. To a social anorexic, it's a love hate thing, literally. We want the contact and the closeness, but we fear it because deep down inside, we believe that we are unlovable.
Over the last several months, I have postulated that the only way out is for friendship. Let me explain...
A relationship between two people with no outside friends or communication is a closed system. It happens quite frequently here in America and it's heavily promoted. Closed systems create huge avenues for abuse of self and others since the abuse remains hidden. This also generates revenue for companies that support addictions, from alchohol to pornography. What is repressed becomes obssessed, and eventually expressed through acting out.
A person intent on creating an imtimate, committed relationship without a support network of a circle of friends will become so dependent on the other, he/she will do anything to maintain that relationship. And when they are not getting their needs met, they will be compromised, unable to express their real needs for fear of losing the relationship. For that is all they have. And when they can't meet their real needs, they cope with that loss through addiction.
Everyone has a need for validation. We get that need met through social interaction, usually with friends. When we are with friends, we can be as we are with no hidden agendas for sex, romance or physical intimacy. We are free to come and go as we please as long as the rules in the friendship are explicit. Take away the transparency, throw in some dominance and control, and the chances for intimacy in friendship fade.
Friendship fills that most basic need: socialization. It is through socialization that we can even begin to prepare for a committed relationship beyond friendship. Through a circle of friends, we can test our world without fear of being judged because our friends know we're bouncing our ideas and thoughts off them. They want to explore the range of human thought with us, too.
I have theorized that to the extent we are avaiable to our circle of friends, the more we look as if we are available for a committed relationship and the more we see people who are available. Our consciousness can embrace the vision of a close, committed relationship. Without that support network, our fears would block out those who are available from our vision. For me, the most frightening situation is to be in a closed system relationship completely dependent upon my mate for all my social needs. That is way too much power for anyone.
It is also a huge burden that many people wish to avoid since they would prefer to get their own needs met. There are some who gladly take it up on the notion that they could have more control over their mate, a grandiose notion if you ask me. Healthy people will avoid that kind of power because they know that essentially, they are becoming a caregiver for an adult who has not grown up inside. They know that with power comes responsibility and that kind of power is dangerous. And they don't want anyone to be that dependent on them.
So an anorexic who is single but has no circle of friends will not look *available* to anyone. His/her fear has repressed the social needs and the anorexic looks needless to prevent anyone from getting close. it's as if they are wearing two shirts. One shirt says "love me because I need love too." And on top of that one, they were another shirt that says "I"m not available."
I've noticed from personal experience that the quality of people I'm attracted to has increased over time as I make time for my friends and family. I can't say that there is a strong correlation, but there is enough going on to show a trend. The more time I spend with my friends, the more available I appear to others.
And so it is that I will be spending more time with my friends. Not with the single purpose of making myself available for a committed relationship with the opposite sex, but with the aim of satisfying a very real need: socialization.
If a committed relationship comes out of the experience, then so be it. Creating something so beautiful is far beyond my control and best left in the hands of a higher power. I will simply have to have faith that it will all work out.
For in the end, faith is all we have.
Mr. Scott
posted by Mr. Scott at
4:49 AM
2 Comments:
Hi there, I've got a question:
You wrote that sexual and social anorexics want contact and closeness but fear it. In food anorexia it seems to be a little different: there anorexics hate to eat, they don't want to eat, even though they may have impulses or hunger to do so.
If you put the sexual and social anorexia into food terms it sounds strange: you want to eat, you want to eat healthy and in appropriate amounts, but somehow you fear doing so, or unconsciously avoid it.
If you put the food anorexia in the social and sex terms, anorexia would look like that: social and sexual anrorexics do NOT want to have sex or social contacts, they feel repulsed and disgusted by that and they suppress feelings or thoughts or wishes to be in sexual or social contact.
How do you bring that together?
Take care,
Mischa
By
Anonymous, at 1:38 AM
Mischa,
You are right about the repulsion. General social and sexual anorexics don't just avoid contact or sex, they hate it and are repulsed by it.
I was adding my own personal opinion since I truly enjoy sex, but am afraid of the attachment and dependence that sex creates.
For once a relationship is sexual, then the fear of rejection rises to panic levels at times. It's important to note that the reasons behind the repulsion and avoidance are many, but they result in the same behavior: avoidance of social and sexual contact.
There is an excellent resource for those who are concerned:
http://www.slaafws.org/community/anorexia.html
That is a start.
Thaks for your comment.
Mr. Scott
By
Mr. Scott, at 5:17 AM
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